By Jane Prawda

It was daylight. I was alone. Nothing and no one warned me about what was to happen. An unforgiving blast at a construction site robbed me of my hearing and sent me into fear.

I had nowhere to run, no one to run to for help. The blast left me startled. I walked the rest of the way home and when I was home I started to hear a twinkling of a sound coming out of my ears. 

I remember phoning my doctor, frightful of the new sound. The twinkling soon went away, but then months later it returned. Was it the lithium I was on provoking these disturbing sounds?

This time I wouldn’t be as lucky. The sounds had gotten louder. I was scared. The emptiness they brought did not subside.

I tried all sorts of remedies, going from doctor to doctor, audiologist to audiologist, but it was no help. I had been on the verge of taking my life at one point, but would reach out to talk to my younger brother instead. He and I were never close, but he could understand my agony.

I spent years trying to overcome the effects of the blast, which happened in 2010. The experimental “remedy” in November 2014 that involved TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation to the auditory cortex) took some of my hearing and then I had the sound 24/7. I was warned before the TMS study that there was a slight chance I would lose hearing, but not that I would never stop hearing the tinnitus sound. I was desperate for relief.

But eventually, by changing my perspective about the tinnitus sound I’ve been able to arrive at some peace. I think about feeling soothed by wearing my hearing aids with tinnitus maskers, digital sounds of waves at the beach, all day and all night long. It helps me sleep through the night, lowers my anxiety level. Anxiety is known to worsen tinnitus. Tinnitus is a disorder linked to the central nervous system and auditory cortex. Tinnitus can be transitory, but for some it has lead to suicide, according to the American Tinnitus Association. There is no cure. Living with tinnitus is how I cope.

“Tinnitus is a vexing disorder of hearing characterized by sound sensations originating in the head without any external stimulation. Sudden trauma to the inner ear, such as exposure to excessively loud sounds, may result in tinnitus.” This is from the abstract for “The Role of Central Nervous System Plasticity in Tinnitus,” by James C. Saunders in the July-August 2007 issue of the Journal of Communication Disorders.

While not always caused by noise, tinnitus is the number one occupational injury in transportation workers in New York City exposed to subway noise. All employees are issued earplugs to prevent tinnitus from noise exposure.

I experienced transitory hyperacusis (decreased tolerance to noise) and heightened tinnitus while being treated for depression with TMS in 2017, probably due to the earlier ill-fated experimental TMS study I went through in 2014. The neurologist had lost my 2014 brain scan and treated me with TMS for tinnitus despite not having my brain scan. My brain was damaged and the experimental study did result in moderate hearing loss. Despite the damage I cope with support from my psychiatrist and take an extremely small dose of medication for depression. Dealing with stress is crucial because stress can provoke tinnitus.

I no longer wear the hearing aids or tinnitus maskers, finding them cumbersome. I’ve adapted to my hearing loss and inform people I meet that I have a hearing loss and to face me when they speak. That works for me. The tinnitus comes and goes and varies according to my stress levels. At times, I use a guided imagery app on my iPhone from ReSound that my audiologist recommended to alleviate the stress. Listening to the sounds of birds in the early morning, ocean waves, and babbling brooks helps.

I have taken up Chinese watercolor painting, and took classes at a local school for Asian arts and then at a senior center in a group setting with Jade Lam, a noted Chinese-American artist.

Art and art therapy touches my soul. It has pulled me from despair—in my opinion, it is in a lot of ways better than psychotherapy. (And my psychiatrist has always encouraged me to “use my talents.”) Painting makes me happy and I want to share the beauty with others. I started painting when I first heard the blast and have continued on and off for several years. It has structure but can be creative with the drawing, colors, and design. 

I have a master’s degree in elementary education and special education, and a master’s in occupational therapy. But I haven’t been able to do my job since the tinnitus and have been on disability. Now I am hoping to return to work as an art therapist, a new career.

Jane Prawda lives in New York City.

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