By Anne McIntosh
Have you ever thought about hearing status as a criterion for marriage?
Back in the 1990s I enrolled in a doctoral program at the University of Texas at Austin and knew I wanted to study deaf–hearing marriages for my dissertation. There was not a lot of research but my dissertation adviser was a CODA (child of deaf adults).
His guidance helped me as I formulated a topic that has kept me engaged for decades because, to be honest, I have been writing an auto-ethnography of sorts that chronicles my own 25-year marriage.
My dissertation involved comparing deaf–deaf, deaf–hearing, and hearing–hearing couples and their communication behaviors. I saw ways to improve communication. While doing the work, I was reminded that we do not live in a bubble. We all live in the same world, even if we experience it differently.
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Practical Applications
I have continued to look at the questions that were asked in my dissertation. In short, deaf–hearing couples are not exactly like deaf–deaf couples or hearing–hearing couples. The deaf–hearing couples take the best of both worlds and create their own special culture. The deaf–hearing couples who are happy tend to have higher levels of tolerance for differences.
They are more open to unconventional ways of coping, communicating, and problem solving. They are more likely to think outside the box creatively. They do not operate solely in the deaf (that is, culturally Deaf) world or solely in the hearing world.
They do not necessarily pick “sides” on the political issues that plague the deaf and hard of hearing communities, such as getting tangled up in the cochlear implant controversy or demanding that the deaf spouse choose either the deaf world or the hearing world exclusively. In my own marriage and what I see in other successful deaf–hearing marriages, these “conflicts” are not seen as conflicts that demand any type of action or mindset.
And now for practical advice. Having more than one communication modality is beneficial. Here are some examples.
Captioned TV and movies: Watching movies together is a great way to connect and see each other’s reactions to specific scenes or story lines, as we will all get something different in terms of what resonates with us.
Digital hearing aids/cochlear implants: Hearing amplification is a decision that deaf–hearing couples may decide works for them while other deaf–hearing couples do not utilize amplification.
Email: It might sound odd to email with your partner but some deaf–hearing couples do utilize it as one of many ways to connect with each other.
Texting: Texting is great when utilized with other communication modalities but not as a single communication platform as it can sometimes lead to misunderstandings due to its brevity and how easy it can be to miss texts.
FaceTime, Skype, Google Meet, Microsoft Teams, Zoom: These video chat platforms are incredibly helpful as many have captioning capabilities and all allow for facial expressions and speechreading.
Sign language: Some deaf–hearing couples use sign language as another tool in the communication toolbox and appreciate how it can support other communications methods.
Sign language interpreters: Sign language interpreters may be used for specific events/occasions, such as medical appointments, financial appointments, graduation ceremonies, weddings, and funerals.
Post-It Notes: While this may seem like a low-tech tool, Post-Its are invaluable in my household. If I need to remind my spouse about something or vice versa, a sticky note left on the kitchen counter or the bathroom mirror is easy and straightforward. And it’s nice to use something tangible in a heavily digital world!
Date nights: Most marriage enrichment counselors will share that date nights are important in keeping couples connected at the heart. Often, deaf–hearing couples can feel exhausted while working through multiple communication barriers. Date nights, in whatever way they are defined (they can be coffee dates during the day), can help keep communication open and healthy. Just pick a quiet environment!
John Gottman, Ph.D., now a professor emeritus at the University of Washington, has been studying couples for over 40 years. He says that whether a couple stays together or splits up is not about whether they have problems. We all have problems. What matters, he says, is how the couples deal with their problems. Couples that communicate more creatively and are open to nonstandard ways to address challenges are more apt to succeed.
We believe that with shared understanding, creativity, and optimism, communication competence is possible. By being patient with ourselves and eager to find the path toward removing barriers, we can connect through words, facial expressions, and sign language to reach our hearts.
Anne McIntosh, Ph.D., received a doctorate in communication sciences and disorders from the University of Texas at Austin. She is president and CEO of Safe ‘N’ Clear Inc. in North Carolina, which provides a Food and Drug Administration–approved surgical face mask with a clear window and which she founded in 2012. She is preparing a book on deaf–hearing marriages.
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I turned my gaze inward instead of outwardly to seek answers and I began taking better care of myself, seeking personal growth opportunities, reconnecting to aspects of life that I loved, learning meditation, and seeking alternative therapies for my sudden hearing loss.